


The Longest Night

by kair0s



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Brief mentions of past trauma, Christmas, Holidays, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Winter Solstice, Yule, awkward emotional stuff, coping with loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-20 17:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13151061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kair0s/pseuds/kair0s
Summary: Jaytim Secret Santa 2017 gift for cadkittenTim doesn't want Jason to be alone for the holidays, so he decides to spend them with him. Feelings happen, and since neither of these boys deal with feelings well, it makes for an interesting time. Happy Holidays!





	The Longest Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cadkitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/gifts).



> Sorry for posting this at the last minute, I was just adding things until the very end. This isn't exactly what I set out to write, but I think it turned out nicely. I tried to get everything you wanted in it, and I really hope you like it!

“I’m going to spend Christmas with Jason,” Tim said, keeping his voice steady.

Bruce paused, which made Tim’s skin itch. “You have to tell Alfred,” he said finally, “but that’s fine.”

“I know you and Jason aren’t getting along right now,” Tim said, “but I don’t want him to be alone.” Tim started to leave, not wanting this to turn into an argument, but Bruce stopped him.

“You should spend the 21st with him, too.” Bruce said. “Jason used to celebrate Christmas with us when he lived here, but the holiday that he grew up celebrating is Yule, on the Winter Solstice. He still likes to celebrate it, because that’s what his mother celebrated, but he doesn’t tell anyone, because, well, you know him.”

“Thanks, Bruce.” 

\---

Jason got up when he heard a knock at the door. “Roy, I told you I didn’t want company, so you better make yourself scare before I—” 

He stopped abruptly when he opened the door and saw Tim, standing on his doorstep with a duffel bag and a few brown paper grocery bags. “Uh, hi,” Jason said, quite eloquently.

Tim smiled, his usual, small, but sweet smile. “Hi, can I come in?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jason said, stepping aside to let Tim into the apartment. “What’s up, is there a case or something?”

“No, I’m not here for business,” Tim said, making his way towards the kitchen. He put the grocery bags down on the counter, but he held on to the duffel bag. “I was wondering if I could stay here for a little while.”

“How long’s a little while?” Jason asked, already feeling a bit twitchy. He and Tim had been spending a lot more time together, but he still got anxious about being stuck with people sometimes.

“I was thinking for the holidays, actually,” Tim said, wringing his hands around the strap of his bag. “I know you don’t want to be around Bruce, and I get it, but I didn’t think you’d want to spend the holidays alone and we’ve been spending a lot of time together, which I thought you might have been enjoying, so here I am.

Tim tried to end it all with a chuckle, but it didn’t help the fact that Jason was just staring at him. Or that he felt like he was about to vibrate out of his own skin. He wondered passingly if that’s what Bart had always felt like.

“You know what, I’ll just go,” Tim said, making his way to the front door. “This was a mistake, I’m obviously instruding and—” 

“Why’d you come tonight?”

Tim stopped and turned to face Jason. “What do you mean?”

“It’s December 21st,” Jason explained. “Usually the holidays start on Christmas Eve, which isn’t for four more days. So what gives?

“Okay, please don’t freak out,” Tim said. “I told Bruce that I wanted to come and stay with you for Christmas, because I wanted to let him know I wouldn’t be at the manor, and he told me that you grew up celebrating Yule, which is today, or tonight, so I thought that I should be here for that too.”

Jason was silent for a moment. “Bruce told you that?”

Tim nodded. He almost said that Bruce was just trying to help, but he didn’t think that would go over well.

“Well, yeah, he wasn’t wrong,” Jason said eventually. “You can stay if you want, but I’m not great company. Don’t you have anyone else you’d rather spend your holidays with?”

“I never liked spending time my parents before,” Tim said quietly, “and I wouldn’t be able to stand being at the Titans Tower; it’s too many new faces.”

“Everyone but us is paired off, aren’t they?” Jason said, a sad smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Tim said. “Steph said I could spend Christmas with her and Cass, but I know I’d just feel like a third wheel.”

“That’s how I’d feel with Roy and Kori,” Jason said.

“I thought the three of you were…?”

“No, not anymore,” Jason said quietly. “It didn’t really work out, for a lot of reasons.”

“I’m sorry,” Tim said.

Jason shrugged. “Hey, do you want something to eat? I’m starving.”

Tim followed Jason into the kitchen. “I brought some food with me.”

Jason peered into the grocery bags, digging around in them and pulling some stuff out. “Tim, there’s like a week’s worth of food in here.”

“I figured if you let me stay, I’d be here for at least a few days, and I didn’t want to show up uninvited and eat all your food,” Tim explained.

“Yeah, but this must have cost a fortune, it’s all the fancy shit too,” Jason said, abject horror starting to show on his face.

Tim pulled a credit card out from his wallet and wiggled it in front of Jason’s face. “Bruce’s company card,” he explained with a smile.

Jason grinned ear to ear. “And this is why you’re my favorite,” he said, ruffling Tim’s hair before unpacking the food.

\---

Jason cooked a nice, big meal using the fancy-ass ingredients that Tim brought with him. After he was done cooking, it wasn’t long before he and Tim were bundled up on the couch, digging into their food and watching cheesy Hallmark movies. Some point about halfway through the second movie, Tim leaned over onto Jason. He tensed up, unsure of what to do, but when Tim showed no sign of moving away, Jason eventually relaxed and draped his arm around Tim. 

By the end of that movie, Tim was practically in Jason’s lap and Jason was playing with his hair. After the credits rolled, commercials took over the screen, but the sound muted.

“How did you get it to do that?” Tim asked.

“Oh, the commercials?” Jason asked. “Well, you know how they’re always a million times louder than whatever you’re watching? It used to really startle me, especially when I had first come back. So Babs programmed my TV to automatically mute commercials.”

“That’s really sweet of her,” Tim said.

“Yeah,” Jason said softly. “She was one of the first people to really accept me when I came back to life. Bruce didn’t want her to talk to me, but you know Babs.”

Tim let out a little laugh. Silence passed between them as they watched the silent, but clearly obnoxious commercials flash on the screen. 

“So, what is Yule all about?”

“Well, there are a lot of different interpretations of it,” Jason explained. “But it’s almost always celebrated on or around the Solstice, and it usually has to do with new beginnings.”

“What’s your interpretation?” Tim asked, turning to face Jason.

Jason look at him for a moment, and then playfully turned him back around to keep playing with his hair. “Yule is special to me because my Mom always celebrated it,” he explained. “We usually didn’t have money for Christmas presents, but my mom always managed to find a way to put together our own little feast for Yule. She always said Yule felt more sincere than Christmas, because of how commercialized Christmas is.”

“That makes sense,” Tim said quietly. “I’m sorry things were tough for—”

Jason tightened his grip on Tim’s hair slightly. “Don’t do that,” he said, closing his eyes. “I’ll talk about this, but please don’t pity me, ok? Not about this at least.”

Tim nodded, squeezing Jason’s knee with his hand.

“Anyways,” Jason continued after a moment, “I think she really liked it because it was the longest night of the year. Nights were tough, and after the Winter Solstice, they just got shorter, which was good.”

“Nights are still tough,” Tim said. When Jason got tense, he added, “I mean for me. Ever since my parents died, and since Connor and Bart are gone, nights have been really difficult.”

“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?” Jason asked. “I just assumed you were working on some big cases, but you can’t sleep, can you?”

Tim shook his head. “Not much anyways. I’m lucky if I sleep a few hours a night. And even then, the nightmares are pretty horrible.”

Jason wrapped his arms around Tim and pulled him back against him. “I know what you mean. My nightmares have been getting bad again. It was easier when I was with Roy and Kori,” he admitted.

“Do you want to talk about what happened with them?” Tim asked.

Jason shook his head, but tightened his grip on Tim. 

\---

They started to doze off, but Jason patted Tim on the shoulder. “If we’re going to sleep, we have to light the candles.”

“Is that a Yule tradition?” Tim asked, stretching his arms above his head with a squeak.

Jason grinned at Tim’s little squeaking noise. “Not necessarily, but it was something my Mom and I always did. It helped the night seem a bit brighter.”

Jason started digging out his candle collection and dispersing them around the room. He turned around to find Tim following behind him with a lighter, lighting the candles as he went. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Jason said. “I don’t like lighting candles when I’m home alone because I’m afraid of fire.”

“I’m glad I’m here then too,” Tim said. “But speaking of that, is it okay to leave these lit while we sleep?”

Jason shrugged. “Probably not, but my mom and I always did it and never had a problem. We don’t have to leave them lit if it worries you,” he said.

“No it’s fine, I just wanted to check,” he said with a smile. “Were you ready to go to sleep?”

“Yeah, I’m tired, so I should see if I can sleep for a bit,” Jason said. “Um, I don’t have a guest room, because I never really have guests, but you can sleep in my room if you want.”

“Jason, I showed up uninvited, there’s no way I’m kicking you out of your room,” Tim said. 

“Well what if you weren’t kicking me out?” Jason asked. He had his hands in his pockets and his eyes were surprisingly glued to Tim’s face, watching for his reaction.

“I-I’d like that,” Tim said softly. “I’ll go get changed and meet you in there, ok?”

Jason nodded before going to his bedroom. 

\---

Once Tim was in the bathroom, he splashed cold water on his face. “Oh my god. Ohmygod ohmygod. Is this happening? This is really happening!” His hands were shaking as he dug through his pockets to find his phone. He speed-dialed Stephanie, tapping his foot anxiously as the phone rang.

She picked up on the third ring. “What’s up, Timbo?”

“I’m at Jason’s,” he said, cutting right to the chase.

“So you went through with it! How’s it going?”

“We’re going to bed,” Tim answered.

“Already? Jesus, Tim, it’s barely past midnight—”

“Steph. We are going to bed. We as in me and Jason, together, in his bed.”

“Oh my god!”

“That’s what I’ve been saying,” Tim said with a nervous laugh. 

“What the hell are you doing on the phone with me then?”

“I said I had to go change, so I’m in the bathroom, and I’m nervous as fuck, Steph.”

“Why did you go to the bathroom to change?”

“Because he invited me to sleep in his room with him, not to strip for him!” Tim scoffed. “We haven’t done anything yet.”

“Well that’s a lie,” Stephanie said. “You two have been eye-fucking each other for weeks.”

“Steph!”

“And you’re telling me that nothing has happened tonight? Not even cuddling?”

“There may have been cuddling,” Tim mumbled.

“And?”

“And he played with my hair while we watched Hallmark movies.”

“Oh my god, you’re gonna get some.”

“Alright, I’m hanging up,” Tim said.

Stephanie was cackling on the other end. “Good luck, loverboy!”

Tim ended the call and quickly changed into his pajamas. When he made his way to the bedroom, Jason was sitting on the bed, waiting for him. Tim almost choked, because Jason was wearing sweatpants. Just sweatpants. 

“Is everything ok?” Jason asked. “You were in there awhile, and I thought I heard shouting, and now you’re staring at me.”

Tim had to actually shake his head to snap out of it. “Steph called, she wanted to know what I wound up doing because I didn’t go over to her place. And I’m sorry, about the staring, it’s just that…you’re just, um…” Tim trailed off, his brain obviously falling out of his ass as he spoke.

Jason sighed and stood up, walking over to his closet. “I know, I’m pretty fucked up,” he said, digging around in his closet. “I’ll put a shirt on so you don’t have to look at—”

Tim practically ran across the room to Jason and gently put his hands on Jason’s shoulders. He grimaced when he felt Jason tense underneath his grip, but he pulled his hands away. “Please, that’s not why I was staring,” Tim pleaded. “You don’t need to put a shirt on. Unless you want to, then go ahead, but don’t do it because of me, please.”

Jason looked over his shoulder. Tim could see the hurt in his eyes, despite the fact that he was looking at Tim with an eyebrow raised. “Then what’s going on?”

Tim felt his face flush. That’s one of the reasons he hated being so pale; whenever he was embarrassed, he easily turned the color of his suit. “It’s embarrassing, can you just believe me that it’s not because of anything bad?”

Much to Tim’s horror, a mischievous spark lit up Jason’s face. “Well, I am hurt,” Jason said, his voice overly sweet, “and it would certainly make me feel better to embarrass you.”

“Well that’s just rude,” Tim said, trying desperately to play it cool.

“Remember who you’re talking to,” Jason said, turning around to face Tim. “I’m notorious for my lack of manners.”

“That’s not true,” Tim blurted out. Watching Jason’s face, Tim saw that he surprised Jason as much as he surprised himself with his comment. “You want everyone to think you’re tough, and rude, and cool, but you’re a big softy who volunteers at the animal shelter, and brings food to kids on the streets, and helps old ladies across the street, and…” Tim trails off in quiet horror as he sees Jason’s face morphing into something he hasn’t seen before.

“Where did that came from?” Jason asked.

“Just forget about it,” Tim said, turning away from Jason and sitting down on the bed. “I’m tired, I’m clearly rambling, so we should just go to sleep.”

“Okay,” Jason said slowly. “But, um, where did we land on the whole shirt issue? Because I’ll put one on, it’s really not a big deal, I just run hot so I usually don’t sleep in one. But I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“Why would I be uncomfortable?” Tim asked, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

“Well maybe because my back looks candy cane gone wrong and my ribcage has “joker” carved into it.”

Tim felt like he could suffocate from the tension in the room. “It’s not because of your scars,” he finally said. “I’m not uncomfortable with how you look, I was staring because I think you’re attractive.”

Before Jason could say anything, Tim got off of the bed and started walking back towards the living room. “I’ll sleep on the couch, I don’t want you to feel weird, ok?”

Jason was between Tim and the doorway in a flash. “You’re not fucking with me?”

“What?” Tim asked, incredulous. “No, I’m not fucking with you. I think you’re ridiculously hot, it’s honestly an issue sometimes, and I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was trying to put the moves on you.”

An open-mouthed smile appeared on Jason’s face. “The moves?”

“Jason, you know what I—”

“You have moves? Timmy I had no idea,” Jason said, grinning ear to ear.

“I have plenty of moves,” Tim said indignantly. “How do you think I got Steph?”

Jason scoffed. “Well first of all, you never ‘got’ Stephanie, she had you,” Jason explained, clearly enjoying teasing Tim. “And secondly, if you had ‘gotten’ her, as you put it, it would have been by means of pity, I assure you. Blondie is one nice piece of ass.”

“So you’re saying I’m not good enough to get Steph?!”

“Well it’s not really about that,” Jason said, “she’s gay as hell, so that’s really the main issue here.”

“Then what are you saying?” Tim asked. “Are you just enjoying making me feel bad about myself?”

“Of course not,” Jason said, stepping closer to Tim. “I’m ragging on you to keep the focus, both yours and mine, off of my role in this situation.”

Tim locked eyes with Jason, and he saw a deep, deep sadness under his smile. “You don’t believe me?”

Jason sighed, walking back into the bedroom. “Well, no, I don’t,” he said, running a hand through his hair, “but even if I did, what the hell would I do with that?”

“Right,” Tim said, keeping his voice short. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Don’t do that,” Jason said, scowling.

“Do what?” Tim said blankly.

“Shut down, pretend like you don’t care so I can’t see if you’re upset,” Jason said. “I’m opening up here, or at least I’m trying to, and you know that’s really hard for me! Just, try to meet me halfway, okay?”

Tim closed his eyes, breathed in and out, and then walked over to the bed. “Can I sit with you?”

“I’ve already offered that you can sleep here, Tim.”

“Well that was before you knew I’m attracted to you,” Tim said calmly. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“You’ve mentioned that.”

“That I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable?”

“And that you find me attractive,” Jason said. “So, what’s the deal with that? Why do you think I’d suddenly be uncomfortable now that I know this?”

Tim sat down on the bed. “When I came over here, I was just a friend, trying to do something nice and wanting to spend time with you,” he explained, “but now that you know I have feelings for you, I don’t want it to seem like I’ve had ulterior motives this whole time.”

“Two things to unpack here,” Jason said. “First of all, just because I didn’t know about your attraction doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. It’s not magically real now that you’ve told me. So honestly it’s better that you told me.”

Tim stared down at his hands, wishing he could sink into the floor and die. 

“And secondly, are you attracted to me, or do you have feelings for me?” Jason asked. “Because those are two separate things.”

Tim put his face in his hands. “Both,” he answered, his voice muffled behind his fingers.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

Tim looked back up to glare at Jason. “Did you seriously not hear, or are you just being a dick?”

“Little bit of both,” Jason admitted. It would have been funnier if he was grinning, but he wasn’t. His face was grim, and Tim hated it. 

“You don’t believe me,” Tim said.

“Yeah,” Jason said, “and we could go in circles about it all night, but I doubt I’ll change my mind. So what now?”

“Is this what happened with Roy and Kori?” Tim’s eyes went wide as soon he realized what he had said. “I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from, that is none of my business.”

Jason’s face was hard, but he didn’t look angry. “Like I said before, there were a lot of reasons that things didn’t work out between me and them,” he said quietly, “but yeah, that’s one of the reasons. I don’t receive affection well.”

“I shouldn’t have pried,” Tim said, “I’m sorry.”

Jason shrugged, suddenly finding the sheets on his bed very interesting. “While we’re having horribly awkward conversations, is there anything else you want to ask? I’m not promising I’ll answer, but you can ask.”

And the lump was back in Tim’s throat. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears and his stomach had to be somewhere on the floor. “I know it’s probably not a great sign that you haven’t said anything so far, but how do you feel about me? Any attraction, or other feelings?”

Jason sighed. “Tim, I—” 

“You know what, forget I asked,” Tim said, standing up. “I’m just going to sleep on the couch. I don’t mind, really. And in the morning, we can just forget about all of this, okay? Because I’m happy with what we had a few hours ago. I would love to spend the rest of the holidays cooking, laughing, and watching cheesy movies with you. I hope I didn’t ruin that, and I’m going to back off before I make it any worse.”

Tim left the bedroom and shut the door behind him, hoping that was the end of it. He sat down on the couch and hugged his knees to his chest, trying to choke down the hiccupping sobs that were trying to wrack through his body. “You’re being stupid,” he told himself. “It’s a stupid crush and you’re being an idiot about it. Just be happy with what you have and stop fucking things up.” He scrunched his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears that were pricking his eyes.

\---

Jason tried to fall asleep, he really did, but it was no use. After laying in his bed staring at the ceiling for at least an hour, he decided he needed to do something. Just as he was getting up to get some blankets for Tim, his phone buzzed on the nightstand.

He picked it up and saw that Roy had texted him.

_R: You ok?_

Jason sighed before responding.

_J: Not really, but it’s not life-threatening, so don’t sweat it._

_R: I know tonight can be tough for you._

_R: Are you alone?_

_R: Because Kory and I can come over if you need us. Or just one of us, if that’s better._

_J: I’m not alone._

_R: ???_

_J: Tim came over. Said he didn’t want me to be alone for the holidays._

_R: That’s great!_

_R: Wait, but you said something’s wrong. What’s wrong?_

_J: Feelings shit._

_R: Did you tell him how you feel about him? Did he take it poorly?_

_J: You know I would NEVER tell him. I don’t deserve to feel that way about him._

_R: I’m not having this argument again, Jay. If that’s not what happened, what’s wrong?_

_J: He told me that he’s attracted to me. That he has feelings for me._

_R: !!!_

_R: I’m guessing you didn’t take it well._

_J: You just get me, you know that?_

_R: Stop being an ass, what happened next?_

_J: Nothing._

_J: Well, not nothing. He was going to sleep in the bed with me, but now he’s out on the couch._

_R: ;)_

_J: SLEEP, Roy, that’s it. Is that seriously your take away?_

_R: Sorry. Listen, you need to tell him. You have to tell him something._

_J: I tried, I really did, but he wouldn’t let me. Something about not making things worse and just forgetting about it._

_J: Fuck, something’s wrong._

_R: You mentioned._

_J: No, this is something else. There are weird noises coming from out in the living room._

_R: Is he ok?_

_J: I don’t know, he shut the door! What should I do?_

_R: Go check on him, dumbass!_

_R:…?_

_R: I’m taking your silence as a sign that you took my advice._

Jason slowly opened the door, blanket in hand to give to Tim, when he saw what was making all of the noise. Tim was rolling back and forth on the couch, obviously having some sort of nightmare. Jason rushed over to him, hesitating for only a second before gently nudging Tim’s shoulder.

“Tim, wake up,” he said softly. 

“They’re gone,” Tim murmured, rolling over to face Jason. His eyes were still shut, but there were tears streaming down his face. “Everyone’s gone, they’re burning! Please, help them, make it stop.”

Tim was literally sobbing now, and Jason felt his heart breaking. “Tim, wake up,” he said, louder this time, as he tried to shake Tim awake. “You’re having a nightmare, it’s not real.”

Jason almost let out a breath of relief when Tim’s eyes opened, but it wasn’t over. Tim looked around the room frantically. “We have to get out,” he said earnestly through his sobs. “It’s too late for them, but I can save you. You don’t have to burn too.”

“Tim, snap out of it!” Jason said, gripping his shoulders firmly. “This isn’t real. You’re having some kind of episode, or panic attack.”

“Jason, please!” Tim wailed. “I already lost them, I can’t lose you too, not again!”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Kon! Bart! My parents!” Tim’s sobbing doubled. “Don’t die, not like them. Not again.”

Tim rolled off the couch, still sobbing. Jason pulled him into his lap, holding him close like he had on the couch earlier. “There’s no fire, we’re safe, Tim,” he said gently.

“The candles,” Tim muttered. “The candles caused the fire. It’s everywhere, they’re burning everywhere!”

Jason looked around the room at all of the candles that just hours ago, Tim had helped him light. He lifted Tim up, carrying him as he went around the room and blew out all of the candles. “It’s going to be dark in here now,” Jason said, warning Tim. “But the fire will be gone, just don’t freak out because it’s dark, okay?”

Once all of the candles were out, Jason used the moonlight, which there wasn’t much of, to make his way back to the couch. Tim was still shaking, but he had stopped sobbing. Jason rubbed his hands up and down Tim’s arms, trying to keep him from going into shock or anything. Distantly, Jason realized that it was weird being on the other side of a panic attack.

“Jason?” Tim said faintly. Neither of them had spoken for either five or fifty minutes, Jason couldn’t tell. 

“Yeah, Tim, I’m here,” Jason said gently.

“I’m sorry,” he said, sounding smaller than ever.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Jason said. He felt Tim pull away from him, and he was worried until he realized that Tim was just moving to sit across from him on the couch.

“Why did you move?” Jason asked, whispering.

“So I could look at you while we talked,” Tim whispered back.

“Can you see in here?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Then why move?” Jason asked.

“I don’t know, why are we whispering all of a sudden?” Tim asked.

“I don’t know!” Jason said. “Are you okay now?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Tim said.

“What’s wrong?” Jason asked, wishing he could see Tim’s face.

“I feel bad,” Tim said. “I’m supposed to be here helping you, and instead you’re taking care of me.”

“Who said I need help?”

Even in the dark, Jason swore that he saw Tim raise his eyebrow. “Fine, whatever. But what’s wrong with me helping you?”

“My helping you,” Tim said quietly.

“Are you seriously correcting my grammar right now?”

“Sorry,” Tim said.

Jason laughed. “You must be feeling better,” he said.

A beat of silence passed between them, and again, Jason wished he could see Tim’s face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jason asked eventually.

“Not really,” Tim said.

“Okay, that’s fine,” Jason said. “But there’s something I want to talk about.”

“Jason, not now, please.”

“Not now, or not ever?” Jason asked. “Because I can’t just forget what you said. Will you just hear me out?”

“You know I will, so just go ahead,” Tim grumbled.

“Okay,” Jason said, suddenly having a hard time speaking. “Fuck, I had this all prepared, I knew exactly what I was going to say, and now, now I just feel like—” 

“Like you have a rock in your esophagus?” Tim suggested miserably.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Jason said. “Is that how you felt earlier?”

“You know it is.”

“Fair enough,” Jason said. “Tim, it’s not that I’m not attracted to you, because I am. And I probably have feelings for you, but it can’t mean anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t deserve to have any sort of feelings for you,” Jason continued. “Fuck, I can’t believe I even get to be friends with you. We’ve been hanging out lately, and it’s been great, but I feel horrible for enjoying it. I feel horrible for trying to be friends with you when a year or so ago I was trying to kill you.”

“Oh, that.” Tim said. “It’s not a big deal, I forgave you awhile ago.”

“Well maybe I haven’t forgiven myself,” Jason said.

“Well maybe you should,” Tim suggested gently, reaching out and holding Jason’s hands in his.

Jason started to pull his hands away, but he could practically feel Tim’s heart breaking in front of him. “Do you see how this situation sucks? I’m damned either way. If I don’t forgive myself, I’m just hurting you in a new way.”

“And if you do forgive yourself?” Tim asked, rubbing his thumbs on Jason’s palms.

“Then I’m just letting myself off the hook and that’s not, that’s—fuck, can you stop doing that with your thumbs?” 

“I’m sorry,” Tim said, trying to pull his hands away. 

Jason tightened his grip on Tim’s hands. “No, don’t let go,” he said, shocking himself with how desperate he sounded. “I can’t see you, and it helps to feel that you’re there, but the thing you were doing, with your thumbs, was very distracting, and I’m trying to tell you how I’m no good for you, and you’re not making it easy.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to distract you,” Tim said calmly. “I respect what you’re saying and how you’re feeling. But I don’t agree with you. What do you have to lose if you forgive yourself?”

“It’s not about what I have to lose,” Jason said. “It’s about what you have to lose. What if I hurt you again?”

“See, that has nothing to do with our past,” Tim said. “That’s just a normal risk that comes with any relationship. I’ve either hurt or been hurt by everyone I’ve been in a relationship with.”

“That’s encouraging.”

“But it doesn’t matter,” Tim said determinedly. “That’s not an excuse not to try. I mean, it can be, but it shouldn’t be. I’m not trying to pressure you either way, but please don’t hide your feelings from me to protect me.”

“It sounds stupid when you say it like that,” Jason mumbled. 

“Yeah, kind of,” Tim said, and Jason could hear the smile in his voice. “Listen, we don’t have to start dating or anything. Nothing has to change at all. But we should be honest with each other.”

“Okay,” Jason said, exhaling shakily. “I think you’re attractive and I definitely have feelings for you. I don’t know how far back those feelings go, but that doesn’t really matter right now. And in the interest of honesty, my emotional constipation is a large part of why I’m single right now.”

“I want to ask you some questions,” Tim said, “but you don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable, okay?”

“Fire away, Timmy.”

“Do you still love Roy and Kori?”

“Yes, but not in the same way anymore.”

“Do you want me to leave in the morning?”

“No, I want you to stay, like you had planned.”

“Good,” Tim said shakily. “That’s good, because I don’t want to leave.”

“So now what?” Jason said.

“Now, you hold me,” Tim said. “If you want.”

Jason pulled Tim back into his lap. “And?”

“And we wait for the sun to come up, because some asshole blew out all of our candles.”

“I did that to calm you down,” Jason huffed. “And I do have electricity, by the way.”

“I know,” Tim said. “But I like the idea of getting through the night, don’t you?”

“You’ve always liked a challenge,” Jason said. “And it is the longest night.”

Tim yawned and stretched in Jason’s lap. “Let’s get through the night, together, and figure out the rest in the morning.”

“Sounds good,” Jason said. He pressed a kiss against Tim’s head and wrapped his arms around him.


End file.
